Tag Archives: change

It’s Been A While

One of the things I used to love doing was posting blogs, sharing my thoughts, feelings, struggles, inspiration, and all the little things that excite me. However, at some point I allowed myself to stop doing so because there were people in my life who looked down on it. They thought the only reason for doing such a thing was to draw attention to themselves. That’s never what it’s been about for me. I don’t post things out in the world just to get attention, I don’t care about likes or comments, I don’t want fame or to have a huge following that I need to keep up with, and I don’t do it to let people in to the deepest darkest innermost thoughts and personal problems in my life. I try to only draw inspiration from the things I’ve been through or are currently going through without airing my dirty laundry or letting everyone in to my private life. In fact, I’m actually a very private person. I guess if you follow me at all on social media you probably know a few things about me and my interests, but I’d like to think I’m still very much a mystery to most people. I don’t open up easy. I don’t tell people I’m struggling. I keep smiling. I keep my head up. I don’t talk about everything, in fact, I struggle talking about myself, I don’t like to ask for help and I even struggle to ask for prayer when I most need it. I don’t want the attention. I don’t want to burden people with my problems because everybody else has enough on their own plates.

So here’s the thing.. the reason why I use social media and the reason why I really used to love posting blogs is mostly for myself. Writing is one of the best outlets for me and often looking back on my old posts is a great help to me but also if by posting something I help inspire even ONE person or I help ONE person get through something they’re going through, then that’s worth it to me. I hope in being positive and keeping focused on being more excited about life that it helps others to focus on that, too. The world is full of enough sadness, stress, heartache, harsh criticism, tragedy.. what harm is there in sharing a little bit of the good parts of life?

I’ve been going through a lot the last few months. I’d venture to say I’ve probably never struggled more or been more lost/confused about life and if I had kept writing not only would I have probably felt more at peace and relieved but I think I’d probably have a better idea of where my head and heart are at. If there’s one thing that is true about me it’s that I’m not good with the spoken word (but I am getting better). I have a tendency to jumble up words and forget what I was going to say or just completely lose my train of thought when I’m speaking.. but with writing, it’s easier. It’s more fluid. It keeps me focused. Written word has always been my forte and because of that, the written word is more meaningful to me when it comes from others too.

I don’t know why I let other people try to change that about me and try to discourage me from being me and doing the things that help me. But here’s to a new chapter. Here’s to getting back to doing the things that make me feel better. Here’s to getting back to sharing the excitement in life a little more. I’ll maybe try to post once a week to start and see how it goes from there. After all, it’s been a while and I can’t be too hasty, gotta ease back into it!

Is The Grass Is Greener on the Other Side?

I’ve been spending an unusual amount of time in my own thoughts lately which is really saying something considering I already spend so much of my time there to begin with. Sometimes people give me a hard time about not being able to hear well, which I usually respond by saying it’s not that I can’t hear, it’s that I hear EVERYTHING all at once. Which is very true, however, sometimes in addition to all the other sounds around me, I’m also deafened by my own thoughts. This brings to mind the famous “teaspoon” quote Hermione dropped on Ron in Harry Potter. Seriously, I know all my fellow ladies understand this struggle. We are ALWAYS thinking, planning, and/or worrying about something and usually it’s at least a dozen things at once!

For me lately, I’ve been looking back on past choices and comparing them to the choices in front of me at the moment. I feel like I’m in a state of deja vu. About a year ago I was in a similar place. I was on the brink of making very difficult decisions and knowing I was going to disappoint people by making them regardless of what I chose. I had these big hopes and dreams for the future but wasn’t sure how they were going to pan out. I knew I had to take a risk because I didn’t want to be left wondering years down the line what could have happened. The grass looked so much greener on the other side.

Sometimes where the grass is greener it’s only for the season. Then the drought comes: The grass starts starving for water, eventually dries up and just waits for the drought to end. Funny how that’s where I was in my life a year ago. I was in a life drought. I was waiting for the rain to come. I made a change, I packed my life up (or at least the some of my life) and moved to a new place. It was in the Fall on the brink of Winter, that is, if you can even call it Winter in California. If you’ve never been to California, Fall/Winter pretty much equals Spring. It can be rainy and when it rains everything then turns green and blooms! I was in heaven. Winter in Virginia is usually pretty depressing. All the trees are bare and the grass is dormant. I ended up going back home for a couple months at the end of Winter and I left the beautiful weather in California to blizzard-like conditions in Virginia. When my plane was descending it was a Winter Wonderland below with giant piles of shoveled snow on the sides of the roads. After two months, it was finally starting to be Spring in Virginia. Everything was lush, green and blooming again. Just in time for me to go back to California. It wasn’t lush and green there anymore. The only green was on the trees and the resilient weeds and ice plants that survive without much water. Everything else was dried up.

'Winter' in California 'Winter' in Virginia 'Spring' in California

I share this story only to make a point. Sometimes the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and if it is, it might only be temporary. Sometimes you might find yourself in that place where the grass looked greener only now wishing to go back to where you were before. If you find yourself there, that’s when you have to appreciate the journey. Just like the grass is only greener certain times of the year, sometimes the season of life you’re in needs a change. You might make the wrong decisions and then have to turn right back around again and start over, but there’s always something you will have gained from that journey. For me, the last year has definitely been full of new experiences, learning new things, meeting new people and discovering more about myself, my dreams and what I want in the future.

So no matter where the next chapter of my life takes me, I’m holding onto to that. Nothing is a waste of time. We are always being shaped and molded into an even greater version of ourselves. Embrace life no matter where you find yourself. The struggles, the heartaches and all the storms of life will eventually pass and then the grass will be greener right where you find yourself.